


Recovery's Long, Meandering Road

by ZenGwyn



Series: Things Always End Up the Way You Least Expect [2]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2018-10-27 08:10:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10805196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZenGwyn/pseuds/ZenGwyn
Summary: Two imperfect people try to cope following tragedy, fight to hold on to the love they have for each other, and struggle to let go of their all-consuming guilt. Will Alec and Ellie's marriage survive despite all they've endured?Set following The Last Round (Read first please!) This is rated Mature for references to assault, grief, PTSD, depression, suicidal thoughts, and there may be some naughty stuff in later chapters. I'm going for realism, so please be warned there are triggers ahead.





	1. Chapter 1

“If I can’t have you, no one will.”

She felt his hatred burn into her soul, shooting out of his eyes, engulfing his entire aura, just as the knife sliced through the tender skin of her abdomen, sinking to the hilt. “Whore,” he whispered, ripping it from her flesh. He buried it again, repeating that one word, just a little louder and closer to her ear than previously. “Whore.” His smile grew, teeth clenched together, lips curled at the edges. “Whore,” he reiterated as the blade drilled through her flesh a third time. She clenched her fists at her side, and mustering all her strength, raised her arms and slammed her cupped hands against the sides of his head, hitting his ears. She hoped she blew his eardrums. He crumpled to the ground, and she grabbed his head as he started to go, using the force of his fall and sheer willpower to drop his nose directly in line with her bent knee, bringing it up to meet his face in the middle. She turned and shoved the young girl, whose face quickly began to blur, through the open door to the flashing lights beyond.

There was no pain, only adrenaline.

She tried to follow, holding her bleeding wounds with one hand and guiding herself through the doorway with the other, but suddenly she was being held by the back of the neck, and at her throat, the stiff, sharp edge of the blade dug in at her jugular. Blood oozed down her neck, pooling in the collar of her shirt.

Pop-pop-pop!

The tingle of a second-hand electrical charge grazed her skin for just a moment before the hand let go and she collapsed into the dirt. Shadows rushed at her in slow motion, haloed by blue light. She couldn’t breathe. Everything began to fade, except a pair of brown eyes gazing into hers. “Ellie?” he whispered, “El, you can’t leave me, please.”

* * *

 

Tap-tap-tap

Dr. Song tapped her pen on the steno pad lying across her knees. She brushed the side of her wildly curly hair behind her ear, gazing down at her notes, before breathing deeply through her nose and leaning forward. She looked up, catching Ellie’s eyes with her own, before stating carefully, “You know that it’s not uncommon to have flashbacks in your dreams, or even for your dreams to amplify your subconscious thoughts and manifest them. This is part of post-traumatic stress.”

“Yes, I know,” Ellie replied flatly.

“Why do you think that, after four years, these manifestations would simply disappear?”

Ellie shrugged. “I just thought that this nightmare would end by now. My life is pretty good, considering.”

“Considering what, Mrs. Hardy?” Dr. Song pressed.

Ellie’s gaze drifted to the trees outside the big picture window in Dr. Song’s office. She sighed. “Considering that my life is a far better improvement to what it once was, and I thought I’d got over this.”

Dr. Song reached out and placed her hand over Ellie’s. “You discovered that your ex-husband had already groomed another young man before he was ever caught for murdering your best friend’s son. That young man went on to commit multitudes of kidnappings, rapes and murders, before he took your stepdaughter and then you. Your ex-husband orchestrated Daisy’s kidnapping and yours, and then he tried to murder you. He took Fred, and then attempted to kill himself when your husband caught him. None of these tragedies are your fault, and if it wasn’t for you, Daisy would have died. Trish Winterman’s murderer would never have been caught. Leo Humphries would have never seen the inside of a cell for any of the women he attacked and killed. And your ex-husband would still be preying on children instead of locked away where he will never touch another child for the rest of his life. None of these tragedies are your fault, they all started with him. Ellie, you’re a hero and you need to start remembering that.”

The doctor paused. Her voice softened, “But with that in mind, you also need to give yourself time to heal. Many survivors feel guilty or ashamed that they made it out alive when others didn’t. These feelings are normal.”

Ellie scoffed. “It’s normal to hate myself for letting Trish die,“ she spit through clenched teeth. “It’s normal to feel like I’m failing her still?” Tears gathered at the edges of Ellie’s vision, but she forced them back.

Dr. Song nodded. “Yes.”

“Well,” Ellie mumbled, worrying her hands, “how do I stop feeling like this?”

The doctor chuckled gently, giving Ellie a genuine, warm smile. “Be patient, and give it time. Continuing to see me every week helps, too. Sometimes the best remedy is to share these feelings with those closest to you so they can provide comfort. Do you talk to your husband at all about the flashbacks?”

“I did at first.”

“What happened?”

The tears that threatened to spill before trickled slowly down Ellie’s cheeks. She forcefully wiped them away with her hands. Doctor Song lifted her hand to pass Ellie a tissue. Ellie nodded her thanks. She wiped her nose and closed her eyes and she took a deep breath in. “Alec started to look at me like I’m some broken doll. And he was always walking on eggshells around me. I didn’t mind so much at first, I mean, I kind of needed it, but…”

Elie’s voice drifted off and she got lost in a sea of memories again. The terrified look in his eyes when she’d wake up screaming, Alec’s arms grabbing her and holding her as she fought against him without realizing it wasn’t Joe like in her dreams. His face full of frustration when she’d refuse to be touched after nights like that. Alec had tried so many times to get Ellie to go out in public, but every time she saw someone who looked even a little bit like him, like Joe, she’d panic. The first six months after Ellie left hospital had been hell.

Eventually, things had calmed. The nightmares came less often, and Ellie warmed to Alec’s touch. Hell, the first time they made love had nearly erased all memory of the times she struggled through the physical part of her marriage to Joe.

And when Alec asked her to be his wife, he’d brought her to a little park not far from their house where a theatrical production of “Much Ado About Nothing” was playing, and they sat upon the grass simply enjoying themselves, drinking wine and laughing at the back and forth between Beatrice and Benedick.  When Alec took her hand, slipped a gorgeous diamond ring on her finger and quoted, “I do love nothing in the world so well as you.” _God_ , Ellie thought, _he’s such a good man, and I’m ruining him._

Ellie’s memories turned to the present, a year after the bliss of the newlywed phase faded, their daughter and son both nearing two. Instead of verbal sparring matches like they’d had so long ago, Alec and Ellie both just bottled everything up until they exploded into shouting, cursing and name-calling. It was so unhealthy, and Ellie knew it, but she wanted him to think she still had fire raging inside her. She didn’t want him to know that she’s never really left that house, and the fire died inside when she nearly did. Ellie loved that man so much, she couldn’t stand to see the broken look on Alec’s face like she’d seen upon waking up in hospital, her right hand clutched in both of his and pressed to his face as he sobbed his confessions to an empty room. Deep down, the only thing Ellie thought would save Alec would be to push him away, hide him from the unfathomable anguish Ellie lived with every day of her life now.

“Ellie?”

She snapped out of her mind, looked up at the doctor and flashed a tight smile.

Doctor Song cocked her head to the side, pen sticking out from behind her ear. “Where did you go, sweetie?”

Ellie’s smile dropped, and her eyes spilled forth a flood. “I can’t hurt him anymore, Doctor,” Ellie sobbed into her hands, “I’m not the person I was before and I keep trying to pretend to be and I- I- I’m ruining him!”

* * *

 

The glass-paneled door slammed closed, and from the reception area of Alec Hardy’s office his daughter wrangled two crying toddlers, two backpacks, keys and a bag of Chinese takeaway in her arms, struggling to keep everything from dumping onto the floor in front of her. “A little help, Dad,” she shouted, dropping the keys and takeaway onto her desk.

“I’ve got it,” Alec stated as he rounded the corner, pulling his whimpering youngest daughter from Daisy’s arm and slinging the bag over Daisy’s shoulder, leaving it to rest on the floor at his feet. He gently rubbed the little one’s back, trying to soothe her. “What’s wrong, Bella? It’s ok, Dad’s here, no more tears then, “ Alec cooed, wiping little Bella’s face with a tissue and dropped the mucus-covered rag in the bin. He placed Bella on the playmat with her toy, took his now calmed son, Liam, from Daisy, tickling the boy until he giggled, then gently placed him next to his twin sister.

As Alec took Liam’s bag from Daisy, his eyebrows furrowed, realizing it was Ellie’s day to pick the twins up from the child minder. “Daze, where’s Ellie? She’s supposed to get the twins today, and you’re supposed to be in a lecture right now.”

“I don’t want you to freak out, Dad, you always think things are worse than they really are.”

Alec raised his eyebrow, “Tell me now, young lady.”

Daisy sighed, rolling her eyes. “I was on my way to the forensics lecture and Ellie called. She said her appointment went long and the doctor prescribed new medication for her PTSD.”

Alec crossed his arms and shrugged, “So, this was expected. I don’t understand why it’s got to be such a secret—“

“She also prescribed an antidepressant, Dad. And Ellie needed to get home to take it because the doctor wanted her to have it right away. It’s just something to take the edge off, help her sleep, maybe make the things going through her head more clear and easier to deal with.”

“Ellie’s depressed?”

Daisy placed her hands on her father’s shoulders reassuringly. “Yes, and it’s pretty obvious she has been for some time. I may not come round very often, but I still see it in her face when she thinks no one is watching. It’s not your fault, this is totally normal for what she’s been through. Sometimes it takes a long time for people to move on after a tragedy.”

Alec backed away and leaned against the desk, his hand shooting up into his hair. “Why didn’t she tell me?”

Daisy leaned back next to her father, wrapping her arm around his. “First of all, don’t blame yourself. Secondly, I’m pretty sure she wanted to tell you herself, but you two are always at each other lately.” Alec shot her a sideways glance, but Daisy continued, “However, if you two talk a little more and yell a little less, I’m sure it’ll work out.”

Alec untangled his arm from his daughter’s and curled it around her shoulders, pulling her into a hug. “How did you get so grown up?”

“I’m twenty-three years old, Dad. Google, and my psych class, that’s how.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning!!!!!!!  
> Be aware, this is a graphic chapter regarding suicide, drug use, and drug overdose.

_I am so alone_ , Ellie wrote, _and I wish you could understand_. She paused a moment, attempting to fight off medicated haze and continue to finish the letter she was to leave her family. Freddy wouldn’t be the one to find her, Ellie was sure, he’d planned a sleepover tonight with his mates weeks ago. Right about now, they’d be at the football park. The twins wouldn’t remember her, so there’s that. They wouldn’t remember this. Daisy and Tom had friends, other family… people they could rely on, their father for instance…

_Alec…_

As much as she loved him, it was better this way.

_Sometimes we must give up the things we love to help them find a better life, just to save them from the excruciating existence of living with someone like… me_ , Ellie thought to herself.

_Alec, I love you. Every piece of me loves you. But this is the way it must be. I want you to move on, find someone who makes you happy and raise my children without the stigma of my existence._

_I want them to know what it’s like to grow up with a happy parent who loves them, not the mother who can’t keep her horrors at bay or wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, or who yells at them for no reason at all, or who can’t function as a sodding human being! I want you to live, really live, and not always worry. I want the kind of life for you that I’ve not been able to give you._

_I just can’t keep dragging you down into this black abyss I find myself in. I’ve tried to figure out another way to help us, to be the kind of person you deserve to love, but I can’t. And I can’t live without you, so the only thing I see is that I must die, and you must live._

_I love you all more than chocolate._

* * *

 

“Daisy, grab the door for us?”

Daisy rushed to unlock the door to the house, a sprawling single-level on the clifftop, painted dark blue. In her arms, Daisy carried a load of packages, her laptop bag, her dad’s bag, two backpacks and three new stuffed toys. She shoved the door, pressing it open with her shoulder, holding it there with her left foot and voiding the load in her arms.

Alec followed carrying a child in each arm. “Really, I could have taken one or two of those.”

Panting, Daisy shook her head, “Nah, I’ve got it. Though I’d take a cuppa before I head home. Take the chill off the air.”

He set a pair of struggling toddlers onto the floor, then proceeded to the kitchen, motioning for Daisy to follow. In the distance, Liam and Bella called for their “mama”.

Alec nodded toward his room, “Why don’t you go through there, find Ellie, and ask if she’d like to join us?” He swiftly pulled the kettle from the cooktop and filled it as Daisy left the room. He turned on the heat, and strode to the table, noticing the piece of folder paper and a still-warm mug, his favourite mug, holding it in place. On the front it read, “Take a drink, then read me” in Ellie’s scrawling penmanship. He sat, took a long swig from the perfectly strong tea, and unfolded the note.

“Just remember, no matter what, I love you. Everything I’ve done is because I love you more than I could ever say…”

The mug fell in slow motion and shattered on the tile floor, tea splashing all over.

A blood-curdling scream filled the house.

Alec’s heart thumped, quick and heavy and blasting inside his eardrums. Dashing through the two rooms to his and Ellie’s private sanctum, the scene in front of him broke his mind like the mug lying in pieces on the kitchen tile. Ellie was sprawled out across the bed, eyes closed, pallid skin glistening with sweat in the evening light and Alec could swear she was dead if he couldn’t hear her shallow, rattled breathing over Daisy’s hysteric sobbing. The twins held themselves standing at the edge, touching her outstretched hand much like the image of God reaching out to Adam on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

He wanted to crumble into himself, but his copper’s mind reacted on instinct. His emotions enclosed within and buried, Alec stood Daisy on her feet and took her face in his hands. “Stop, Daisy.”

“But…”

“Stop. Take Liam and Bella. Go to the kitchen and close the door. Call 999, tell them what’s happened. I’ll do what I can to keep her breathing.”

“But…”

“No. Go, now.”

Daisy nodded, wiping her tears away. She took a twin in each arm and left the room. Once she was gone, Alec rushed to the bed, turning Ellie to her side. He checked to be sure her tongue wasn’t blocking her airway, and patted her cheek to wake her. She stirred, moaning.

“Thank God,” Alec said aloud.

* * *

 

At A&E, a crowd had gathered.

Alec had ordered Daisy to call Tom, who was told to pick up Freddy from his sleepover, and Lucy, who was given the job of telling Beth and bringing her along. Their mad rush through town as they had followed the ambulance obviously drew attention, and he notified nobody else, but somehow, news of the hero of Broadchurch being “whisked away from her home” spread and the gossip-hounds came looking for a bite to eat. Word spread, as it usually did in Broadchurch.  At least, that’s how Alec looked at it.

Meanwhile, he and his children, Ellie’s sister and Beth huddled together in a private waiting area, closed off from the bustle down the hall. Well, the rest of them huddled, but Alec stood against a wall by two floor-to-ceiling windows just staring at the ocean.

Mostly he just thought about that note, still in his pocket.

And tried to work out why she would think he didn’t understand. Why she would think death would fix anything. What he did, or didn’t do, that caused this.

Just… why?

_Why, Ellie?_

_Why, after everything you’ve been through, would you want to die?_

“Mr. Hardy?”

The man standing to his right cleared his throat. Alec turned to face him, his face void of all emotion, sallow, eyes blood-shot from fighting off a surge of tears.

“Mr. Hardy, can we speak in my office?”

Alec nodded, glancing to Beth, Lucy, Daisy and the rest, their expressions a mix of hesitance and hope. He rested a hand on Beth’s shoulder. “I’ll be back soon.”

She tried to give him a small, reassuring smile and patted his hand.

Alec followed the doctor down the corridor, into the small corner office. “Have a seat please,” the doctor pulled out a chair before sitting opposite. He set a file on his lap, and Alec lingered in the doorway watching. The doctor motioned to the unoccupied seat. “Please, if you don’t mind.”

Cautiously, Alec Hardy dropped into the stiff wooden armchair, perching only on the edge. “Just tell me,” Alec stated flatly, letting his gaze fall to the grey sterile carpeting.

The doctor opened the file, and took a deep breath. He leaned forward, and rested his hand upon Alec’s shoulder. “Mr. Hardy, I’m so sorry. I know this is hard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know I'm a complete jerk for ending the chapter like this. Trust me, the suspense is going to be SOOOO worth it!  
> I love you all, reviews are appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As much as Alec hated hospitals, the false cheerfulness of the psychiatric ward at St. Marie’s almost proved too much. Too many bright colors, too many smiling nurses, and the smell of chemical sterility made him nauseous. Despite the engulfing dread, he kept an equally cheerful façade. For Ellie, for Daisy and Tom… for his own sanity. He could let the vomit creeping up his throat eject itself once he was home, alone. And Daisy, his own daughter who suffered with her own demons from the events that brought them here, remained surprisingly stoic as she pushed Ellie in her wheelchair down the maze of hallways.

As much as Alec hated hospitals, the false cheerfulness of the psychiatric ward at St. Marie’s almost proved too much. Too many bright colors, too many smiling nurses, and the smell of chemical sterility made him nauseous. Despite the engulfing dread, he kept an equally cheerful façade. For Ellie, for Daisy and Tom… for his own sanity. He could let the vomit creeping up his throat eject itself once he was home, alone. And Daisy, his own daughter who suffered with her own demons from the events that brought them here, remained surprisingly stoic as she pushed Ellie in her wheelchair down the maze of hallways. _She’s burying this… like father like daughter…_ Alec thought, shaking her devastated expression from the A &E Family Room from his mind.

* * *

“She’s going to survive. I want you to know that straight away. You did the right thing, forcing her to expel the medication from her stomach, and we have her sedated while we attempt to detox her body of the medication. She will be monitored closely, and there will be someone from our staff with her at all times.” The doctor sighed. “I have spoken with her psychologist, and Dr. Song has recommended Mrs. Hardy’s immediate admission to St. Marie’s Psychiatric Hospital for further treatment following her time here.”

The edges of Alec’s vision darkened. “How long will she be there?” he implored, choking on his words.

“We don’t know. They always start with thirty days, and go from there. This may be a long recovery.” Alec nodded, burying his face in his hands. The doctor moved to sit next to Alec, and placed a well-worn hand upon his shoulder. “I have some leaflets to give you, about your wife’s treatment going forward here and at St. Marie’s. How to explain what’s happening to your children, to other family members, and how you can help Mrs. Hardy recover. Dr. Song recommends family therapy and has asked me to pass along the names of some child psychologists she works with frequently. In the meantime, we’d like for you or a member of your family to be present as often as possible while Mrs. Hardy is here. Once your wife wakes up, and I’ll have to be honest with you there are no guarantees how long it’ll be, we will start the process of continued treatment.”

Alec mumbled his assent, and stood, thanking the doctor and taking the pamphlets offered, his face a mask of indifference. But deep inside, he was screaming, thrashing about, falling to pieces. The doctor walked with Alec in silence back to the private room where everyone was waiting. Alec entered, and the faces of all but the children immediately looked his direction in anticipation for the worst. He took the chair closest to the door and placed it in the center of the room, sitting on the edge. Daisy reached for his hand. As he closed his fingers around hers, Alec took a deep breath and attempted a small smile.

“Ellie’s going to make it.”

Everyone let out a deep breath in relief.

Alec’s voice cracked, “But…” He considered Daisy’s eyes, “They’re sending her to St. Marie’s Hospital.”

Daisy’s face fell, all hope gone from her eyes. St. Marie’s Psychiatric Hospital was a long-term care center for severe trauma and mental illness. When Daisy had first started attending regular therapy sessions with Dr. Song, it was suggested that she may consider admitting herself voluntarily, but Daisy wouldn’t budge, confident that she could overcome it without such extreme measures. “The only problem really being the nightmares,” Daisy recalled telling Dr. Song. The recovery from her own ordeal had inspired Daisy to transfer her studies to helping others the way Dr. Song had helped her. But being a detective was in her blood, so Daisy decided the best path would be as a Forensic Psychologist. Which meant, as a second-year university student, interning at St. Marie’s in her free time. Daisy had seen the kind of people admitted there. She’d sat in group therapy sessions and studied the behavior patterns of abuse victims, sociopaths, those who self-harm and so many more. The building vibrated with indescribable aching. Daisy knew that even though it was a place to heal, it was also a place where people let go of their personal hell, or wallowed in it. There would be no way to know how long Ellie would stay, if she ever came out at all. There was no optimism to be had in this situation.

* * *

Doctor Song met them at the entrance to the minimum-security ward, where suicides, addicts, and non-violent patients sought help. Her medium-length curly hair was swept up in a bun, and she donned her long white coat. “Good morning all,” she greeted pleasantly, “I’m going to walk you through into the ward and then we’ll do a short tour before I take you to Mrs. Hardy’s room.” She knelt before Ellie and placed her hand on Ellie’s arm. “Are you ready, dear?”

“No” came Ellie’s reply, hoarse from crying in anger over the last several days.

It was a knife digging into Alec’s heart. _She’s never going to forgive me for this_ , he thought.

The tour was short, just a quick overview of where the public areas were located within the ward, meal and medicine times, and the rules. It was so much more than Ellie could force herself to remember.

When they finally came to her room, Alec and Tom unloaded Ellie’s suitcases from their arms, and began silently moving her belongings into the bureau and placing photos of the family on shelves in the room. Ellie extricated herself from the chair and moved to the window, refusing to look at her son, stepdaughter or husband. _They will never understand_ , Ellie thought, watching the wind blow fall leaves from the trees. _They can’t._

A hand gently interrupted her thoughts. “Mum?” Ellie turned into Tom’s heartbroken face, eyes full of tears and questions. “I’ll miss you,” he choked.

“I’ll miss you too.” Ellie took his face in her hands. “I love you, son.”

Tom hugged her tightly, nodding to Daisy to come over to them. She dashed over to Tom and his mother, wrapping her arms around them, weeks-buried sobs escaping her lips. “I love you Ellie, come home soon… please,” Daisy cried into Ellie’s shoulder.

Ellie kissed her forehead. “I will darling.”

Tom wrapped am arm around Daisy’s shoulder and led her from the room, leaving only Alec behind. He sat down on the bed, still holding a photograph in his hands. Ellie settled in next to him, leaning over to see the picture. Two smiling faces looked up at them, each holding a newborn infant in their arms. “How could you think we would be better without you?” Alec whispered, his eyes closing and brows furrowing. “We need you, Ellie. You’re the only thing that holds all of us together.”

Ellie worried her hands in her lap. “No,” she said flatly, “you are. I’m the one tearing us apart.”

Alec replaced the photo to its place on the stand next to Ellie’s hospital bed and knelt in front of his wife. He covered her hands with his own, and looked right down into her soul. “You’re not tearing us apart, and I hope someday you realize it. You’re so precious to me. I know you can’t see it right now, but you are the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. So, no matter what it takes, I’ll be right here for you every step of the way. Just don’t give up on us, alright?”

A hint of a smile reached the corners of Ellie’s lips. “Alright. I’ll fight… for us.”

"Fight for yourself," Alec replied, "the rest of us aren't going anywhere."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is short. And I haven't been forthcoming with this chapter as I should have been. It's been hard to figure out where I want this story to go, as much of it reflects experiences I've had in my own life. Reliving those traumas is... difficult. I hope to push through these next few chapters and then move on to happier days for our favorite duo and their family.


	4. Chapter 4

“I don’t know when it started,” an American woman’s voice announced to the small group sitting in hard-backed chairs formed in a circle centered in the activities room on the ward. “But I know that after years of being told that I’m delusional or an idiot or wrong about everything that ever came out of my mouth, I started to believe it. I found myself a place in darkness where I felt good about who I was. And comfortable. My parents hated it. Constantly judging me, telling me how pathetic I was. So, I figured if that’s how they felt, I’d just do all the things they thought I was doing. I ended up at a party with a much older friend, and there was a guy there who took advantage of me. I was seventeen. Drunk out of my mind. I barely remember what happened."

  
“Thank you for your story, Jennifer,” said Dr. Song. She turned to the rest of the group. “Would anyone else like to talk?”

  
The silence in the room fell like a dense fog on Ellie’s ears. Yes, she wanted to talk. Could she? Not without losing it.

  
“Ellie?”

  
Her head shot up, wide-eyed and immediately anxiety-stricken. “Uh, no, thanks. I’ll pass.”

  
It had been a month since Ellie had tried to kill herself, and from what she could gather, 9 days since her family abandoned her in this hell-hole. Sure, she called them every night. Wrote them letters she kept in a binder for when she would eventually go home again. But she wasn’t sure if this was where she was supposed to be. In her mind, they couldn’t deal with her anymore, so she’d just shrivel up and die among addicts and victims, people she couldn’t quite understand, but then again, nobody understood her either. Ellie missed the positive, bubbly person that used to live inside her body. She missed her children. And though she was so fucking angry at him for leaving her here, she missed Alec. Her reformed grump. Her knight in shining armour.

  
“Ellie, why don’t you tell us about how you feel right now,” Dr. Song prompted, pen and note pad at the ready.

  
“I’m angry.”

“Why?”

  
“I’m angry because my family abandoned me here. They don’t want to handle someone as fucked up as I am.”

  
“Okay, is there any reason you believe that they feel that way?”

  
Ellie shot the doctor a venomous look. “Because, I tried to give them an out. I tried to eliminate myself to make it easier for them. They just expect me to get over what happened. They can’t see that I can’t live with the memories of what that fucker did to me. I’m tainted. My husband just pretends everything is fine but I can see it in his face… that what I’m doing to him is killing him inside. That a man I once trusted not only kidnapped his daughter, but me and my son as well and that if I’m alive he’ll never move on from it. And as long as I have to look at the pitiful face he puts on, I’ll never forget it. I hate that he looks at me like I’m a broken fucking doll he needs to fix.”

  
Dr. Song cleared her throat, “Do you want to get better?”

  
Ellie stared at her incredulously. “How dare you ask that! Of course, I don’t want to feel like this forever!”

  
“Well then” Dr. Song straightened up in her chair, “you need to vocalize your trauma. Put it out into the universe. This is a safe space, and no one is here to judge you.”

  
Ellie looked down at the floor.

  
“Alright,” she replied, “I’ll tell the whole story.” 

* * *

“Alec, do you hate me?”

He sat back against the pillows of his and Ellie’s shared bed, aghast at her question. “God, no, darlin. Why in the world would I hate you?”

  
Ellie tucked the receiver into her shoulder and picked at her fingernails, trying to find just the right way to say what would come out of her mouth next. “I hurt you. All of you. And I feel like you think I’m just broken and you can’t stand to be around me.”

  
“Stop. Right there,” Alec directed, desperately fighting the urge to raise his voice. He tossed the quilts aside and sat at the edge of the bed. “Yes, when you tried to…” Alec fought back all emotion bubbling to the surface. “Tha’ hurt. A lot. Probably more than anything I’ve felt in years. And yes, it hurt Daisy and Tom too, though the child therapist says the twins and Fred really don’t understand what happened and I aim to keep it that way for now. We’re a family, El, and we will get through this, despite the hurt.”

  
“But do you think I’m broken? Do you all just not want me around anymore?”

  
Alec sighed, “Oh, sweetheart, no. I’ve worried for you. I’ve hated myself for not being there to protect you and Daisy. And yeh, maybe you are a little broken. That’s why you’re getting help. But we’re all a little broken and that’s why we’re all getting help. And we’re doing it because we want you here! ”

  
A few tears rolled down Ellie’s cheek. “You are? All of you?”

“Yes, and we’re doing it so that we can all move on from it. So we can be better for you and help you.”

  
Ellie wiped her face on a tissue. “I love you.”

  
“I love you,” Alec implored, “We all do.”

* * *

 

“Dad!” Daisy shouted as she and Tom stumbled through the door carrying suitcases and dufflebags. “Dad! Come help us with these!”

  
Alec rushed down the stairs, taking the two oldest Hardy kids’ belongings and placing them in the lounge for the time being. “You really don’t need to do this. You two have your own lives. Don’t you have flats of your own at uni?”

  
Tom rubbed the back of his head, “Uh, actually we wanted to talk with you about that…”

  
“Tom and I had a very long chat over lunch last week and decided to take a break, so we can help you here,” Daisy interjected firmly. “Don’t argue, decision’s been made.”

  
“No, are you kiddin me?!” Alec threw his hands up in the air. “Both of you, turn around and go right back. You’re not dropping out for my sake.”

  
Tom grabbed his duffle from the floor in front of the sofa and shrugged. “Daisy and I can always go back next term. You need us more. Besides, we’ve already got jobs and everything.”

  
Alec crossed his arms, eyebrow raised. “You’ve been home for ten minutes. Where?”

  
“I’ll start my ISVA training tomorrow morning,” answered Daisy as she picked her luggage up from the floor, “and since Nige took over the plumbing business for Mark he’s needed an extra hand. So Tom’ll apprentice for him.”

  
“Yeah it’s already worked out,” Tom added, entering the room with a twin on each hip and little brother Freddie close behind, face obscured by his Nintendo DS. “We’ve got this. Go see mum.”

  
Hardy pulled his jacket from the hook by the door and slipped it on. He kissed his littlest ones goodbye and ruffled Freddie’s hair, all the while reminding Daisy and Tom of the rules, emergency numbers and where he’d be staying.

  
“Oh, one more thing,” Alec popped back through the entryway, “Don’t let Fred stay on that thing all day. You’ll never get him to sleep tonight.” A proud grin crossed his lips as he looked over to Daisy and Tom. “Thank you… both of you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Ellie's reunion coming up in the next chapter! Leave a comment and tell me what you think so far :)  
> I think I'll start writing the chapters showing what goes on with Alec and Ellie separately alternating with who goes first. So next chapter, Alec and Ellie's reunion on Family Day at St. Marie's.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After months in St. Marie's, Alec and Ellie finally reunite.

As the car cruised along the motorway for the three-hour drive ahead, Alec kicked on a playlist. Dr. Song, as it turned out, believed that music helped “heal your soul” and had recommended that Hardy create a compilation of music that helped express the things he’s feeling at any given moment, so when he found himself alone, he could remember and cope with whatever came forward. One particularly aggressive song ended, and the next threw him into thoughts of his youth, blaring the song and singing aloud from the driver seat of his car as his left home for his first assignment.   
   
 _Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony, this life_    
 _Trying to make ends meet, you’re a slave to the money then you die_    


Alec’s fingers tapped along with the drum beats, his voice carrying the emotional weight away in the wind blowing through open car windows.    
   
 _Well I never pray_    
 _But_ _tonight,_ _I’m on my knees, yeah_    
 

* * *

  
Ellie’s stomach churned into knots. Family Day only happened once per month, and until her sixth week in treatment, she hadn't wanted to participate. She missed her family, surely and deeply, but until then, culpability ate at her soul. It was a “breakthrough”, as Dr. Song called it, when in an individual session Ellie realized that there was no reason at all to feel guilty.    
   
“ _Why do you feel that there’s no longer a reason for guilt, Ellie?”_    
 _“Well,” Ellie started as she shifted in the plush chair, “Because I am sick. I was weak, and I needed help. Yes, I shut everyone out, and I hurt myself and frightened my family. But if I’m ever going to overcome this...illness... I need to stop punishing myself. I need to look ahead.” Ellie paused, letting her mind decide how to word her next phrase. “I need... to let my family be part of my cure.”_    
   
A small grin tugged at the corners of her mouth, at the realization that she just might have a chance. Ellie looked into the small plastic mirror hung above the bureau dead into her own eyes, breathed intentionally in and out, and whispered to herself, “You’re going to be ok, Ellie Hardy.” The smile grew wider and she reached forward to turn on the portable radio Dr. Song gave her. The tune playing gave her goosepimples... she hadn't heard it since a holiday with her sister in France when she was in her twenties, fresh out of police training, and ready for a little bit of fun before her assignment came up.    
   
 _I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah_    
 _I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now_    
 _But the airwaves are clean and there’s nobody singing to me now_    
 

* * *

  
   
Alec pulled down the long drive onto St. Marie’s property, his heart beating faster and faster with the passing of every second. His hands gripped the steering wheel, sweaty and stark white. Breaths came is ragged shudders, and suddenly, the need to extricate his stomach overwhelmed his senses. He jerked the car onto the shoulder and dove out, just in time for his nerves to force the eruption of his internal contents.    
  
Two months and seventeen days since he’d seen her face, and even though they spoke nearly every night and during the weekly family sessions over the phone, it felt like years, not months. It was one thing to speak to each other, but quite another to be in the presence of one-another. To see her face. To smell the soap in her hair, or to feel her arms wrapped around his waist. Alec craved her touch, and yet it terrified him. What if she preferred to go elsewhere after treatment and not come home? What if, after seeing him, he wouldn’t be enough for her anymore?   
   
 _Why do I always think the worst?_ Alec asked himself.   
  
He stood and turned, pressing a straightened arm against the frame of the door, and he looked up into his own reflection. Alec studied his trimmed beard, his bag-free eyes, and his neatly-combed hair in the mirrored window.    
  
“Get it together, now. Stop doing this to yourself,” Alec growled aloud to his own face. “You’re better than this.”   
  
Another deep breath, and then he foisted himself back into the driver’s seat, accelerating with a renewed determination. Whatever Ellie needed, she would get his support. Alec loved her completely, and when he’d said “In sickness and in health” on his and Ellie’s wedding day, Alec meant every word.    
 

* * *

  
   
“Ellie Hardy, please report to the front of the ward,” the head nurse’s voice boomed over the loudspeaker.    
   
After one more glance in the mirror to reassure herself, Ellie straightened her white scrub top and strode through the door to her room, following the winding hallways of the former nunnery to the security desk at the front of the ward. She stuck her wrist into the small opening in the security desk’s glass window to have her bracelet scanned and caught a glimpse of the back of Hardy’s head. Anxiety welled up inside her, but she forced it down.  _It’s ok to be nervous_ , she told herself,  _but this is a happy day, so for fucks sake, be happy about it!_     


And she did feel happiness, excitement. All Ellie wanted was for Alec Hardy’s arms to wrap around her, hold her close, fill her with warmth and love. She knew he would, and for the first time in what felt like ages, she wanted it more than anything. So, when the door alarm buzzed, and Dr. Song stepped into the ward followed immediately by her husband, Ellie’s world melted away, and the two fell into each other, a mess of tears, chaste kisses, and studious eyes, soaking in the moment like a downpour, wrapping each other in steady arms and whispered, “I missed you” and “I love you”.    
   
Not letting her go for long enough to dry his face on his sleeve, Alec laughed a little under his breath, his smile filling his entire face with light, as he dried his tears, “Look at us, always making a scene.”   
   
Ellie beamed, and buried her face in his chest. It was like sitting in a confessional, and his arms felt like the safest place in the universe. Ellie mumbled into his shirt, “I don’t care what anyone thinks. I don’t care if anyone’s watching. I just want to come home to you, our family, and be a part of it. I just want to be with you.”  
  
Alec tipped her chin up, and gazed into her eyes. "Forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it's short! Epilogue to follow...


	6. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the Hardy Household, life goes back to normal.

"Get UP, you wanker!"  
  
Alec Hardy groaned into his pillow and reached for the screaming alarm clock. "Five more minutes, El, I'm tired."  
  
Her pillow slammed into his head at full force, waking him immediately. Vengeance would be sweet, he thought, as Alec chucked it across the room at the still semi-nude Ellie Hardy, who was scrambling around, arms full of clothes. She immediately stopped moving as the pillow missed its mark and landed on the floor several feet in front of her. The sideways death glare Alec caught from his wife gave him an uncontrollable snicker, but when she dropped the pile from her arms and jumped onto him, pinning his arms to the bed, the snicker ballooned into a full-belly laugh.   
  
"How dare you!" she admonished, despite the cheek to cheek grin spreading across her face.   
  
Alec bucked his hips, winking.   
  
Ellie let him go, shaking her head. "I swear, you're a pig."  
  
"Oink, oink" Alec replied as he grabbed her around the waist and flipped Ellie over, twisting the sheets around them and leaving a trail of kisses along her neck and chest.   
  
"Come on, stop," she whined, "I don't want to be late on my first day back."   
  
Alec leaned up and sat back on his haunches, "As your boss, I give full permission for you to be as late as you want to be."  
  
Ellie laughed and poked his bare chest, "You, SIR, are not my boss."   
  
Alec lay down next to his wife, watching his fingers trail along her skin, and whispered, "Can't we stay in bed just a little longer?" He gazed into her eyes, trying to read her thoughts.   
  
Ellie sighed. "Five minutes." And she snuggled deep into his waiting arms, grinning as they closed around her, and wishing she'd never live another day without them again.  
  


* * *

Ellie slammed the car into park and threw open the door, knowing it never looked good to be late on her first day, especially after the last three tumultuous years. She shouldn't have a job back at the station, but what was she to do? Being a detective was her dream, and she had learned through everything she'd been through that as much as it terrified her, what people were capable of, she'd never find a job she loved as much as keeping her friends and neighbours safe. That's what kept her going, and that's what let her say yes when the regional director called asking her to permanently take a DI position at the Broadchurch police.  
   
"Ellie, wait! Let me walk in with you." Alec called before locking the car and jogging to catch up.     
  
"Are you sure it's a good idea for the former DI Shitface to walk in with the current Mrs. DI Shitface?"  
  
Alec shrugged. "You'd be surprised how much people can change, maybe I'm not DI Shitface anymore."   
  
Ellie scoffed. "Alright. If it all goes to hell I'm blaming you."  
  
"Nah," he replied.   
  
They entered through the doors, and made their way upstairs. It felt like the longest ride ever to the top floor, but when the doors opened, and Ellie turned around the corner into the bullpit, cheering erupted and every single DC and DS stood, clapping and shouting, "Welcome back, Ellie!"   
  
Tears threatened to escape, but Ellie pushed them back, stepping forward into the room, and found herself surrounded by old friends and coworkers, who couldn't wait to give a hug to their friend and hero.   
  
"Thank you all," Ellie managed through the lump in her throat, "Wow, I was not expecting this."  
  
Jovial laughter and tear wiping spread throughout the members of Ellie's team. DC Hartford stepped forward and handed Ellie a lovely bouquet of fresh wildflowers with a grin, "Well, we didn't have everything to do with it," and she snagged a look to Alec Hardy, who stood just behind Ellie.  He nodded, arms crossed.   
  
"Ellie!" came the call from the Chief's office, who appeared from the doorway to her office, and beckoned Ellie in before turning and saying, "Bring that man of yours with you."   
  
Ellie shot a curious look back at Alec, who shrugged. They entered the office and gently closed the doors behind them.   
  
"So," the Chief started, "Big day. For both of you, looks like."   
  
Ellie looked back and forth between the two, "You're thick as thieves. What's going on here?"  
  
The Chief's eyebrow jumped into her forehead and she gave Alec a long look before asking, "You didn't tell her?"  
  
Alec only replied stoically, "I tried."  
  
She turned to Ellie, "Well, seems like I've got news, then." The Chief handed Alec a set of keys. "Congratulations, Hardy. You earned it."   
  
Ellie's jaw hit the floor.  
  
Alec shrugged again, "I told you, as your boss, you have permission to be late today." 


End file.
